Mismatched

I’ve written in the past about how our insides and outsides don’t match up and this cognitive incongruence can cause negative issues for us human beings. In particular, I referred to the situation of saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’ and how this is in essence, lying.

Taking this discussion of cognitive incongruence a step further, I’d like to discuss some thoughts on other areas where our insides don’t match our outsides. But before I dive in please note: I do not believe we can be consistently congruent in our thoughts and actions all the time. Furthermore, an attempt to do so may result in overall mental exhaustion. I’m a huge fan of self-awareness and intentionality around thoughts, feelings and actions, but I also want to be careful because perfection is not the goal…only progress.

Here are three main areas I have failed to line up what I really want with what I actually do. Maybe some of these will resonate.

Actions vs Goals

I don’t know how many times in my life I have said I want to accomplish a thing and then that thing does not get accomplished. A goal without a plan is a wish, I’ve heard it said, and it’s pretty much true. Good intentions are not a strategy. Not at all. So why don’t we ‘action’ our goals? For me, it’s normally not because I’ve set an unattainable goal but more likely, I am thinking of the actions in huge, overwhelming steps. For me it is like thinking of cleaning the whole house versus just thinking about cleaning one bathroom. If my goal is to get the whole house cleaned, my tendency is to focus on this goal and get overwhelmed into inaction. Instead, I need to break this down into bite-sized chunks and only focus on accomplishing that next thing.

But sometimes my inaction is due to lack of space. For example: I had a goal to write for at least 5 hours a week. It’s a good goal. It’s measurable, time-bound, specific and even attainable! But it wasn’t happening…why? I’m a disciplined person, I work hard, I achieve, I’m no slacker…so what gives? It seemed like everything “got in the way” of my goal.

I realized I didn’t make room for my goal. So I first broke the goal into smaller steps as in above. But then I blocked time on my calendar for writing. I MADE APPOINTMENTS WITH MYSELF. This created the space I needed but also protected the space from other appointments. When I’m asked for a meeting, a lunch appointment a phone conference, I do not offer up the time I’ve blocked off for writing. This was the first step.

Willingness vs Willpower

Continuing the idea from above, I still had to DO the writing. Since I already determined I was willing to do the writing, I didn’t have to use very much willpower. Here’s what I mean…

I used to tackle the goals in my life via willpower. Willpower is defined as: energetic determination; control exerted to do something or restrain impulses. Willpower as understood by me, is something I employ when I DO NOT want to actually do something. My inside has said no but I believe I SHOULD say yes.

The best example I can share and probably the most relatable is with eating. I believe I SHOULD say no to that extra piece of pizza and another glass of Cabernet because I am in fact full; but what I WANT is another piece of pizza and another glass of wine.

I FEEL I HAVE TO USE MY WILLPOWER TO OVERCOME MY OWN WILL.

Problem: this approach pits me against me and guess what? One of us will lose. Any time I’m forcing myself to do something I do not want to do, I am creating an unsustainable environment. One of the “me’s” is getting a beat down. This is like a personal zero-sum game. There’s a winner and a loser. And let’s be honest…it doesn’t feel great. It’s hard, frustrating and downright soul-crushing at times.

I’m not saying the willpower in an of itself is bad or negative. In my writing example above, I used my willpower to schedule time for writing this week. But here’s the thing…I didn’t start with my willpower. I started with my WILLINGNESS. I was willing to write. I used willpower and discipline to set aside the time to make it happen.

Willingness: the quality or state of being prepared to do something; readiness.

Willingness has to do with my inclinations, my desires. Willingness goes WITH THE GRAIN, and willpower goes AGAINST. When I am constantly making choices powered by willpower, I start to question…’Why am I doing so many things I don’t want to do?’

I fully expect part of my life is sheer will. But not most of it. I no longer believe that most of my life has to be hard; I don’t accept that all of life is effort against resistance. Why am I resisting anyway? Instead, wouldn’t it be more productive to focus on what I DO WANT and go that direction? Yes, I’ll need willpower to accomplish my goals but it won’t seem as arduous if I start with a willingness to go that direction. (

Think of children: is it easier to get a child to move towards something or to stop doing something? If you aren’t sure just start running an experiment. We are designed to move towards desire. So the question is, WHAT DO YOU WANT? Don’t be afraid of what you want. I have a sneaking suspicion that what you want is in your best interest. I’ll write a future blog on What Do You Want because I believe it’s a huge question and hard to answer for most. Note: There are some that believe our desires are innately “bad”. This warped thinking caused me to doubt my truest desires and goals for my life. This isn’t about being led by my whims and surface passions, but instead getting in touch with my deepest desires which I believe come from my Creator.

Then, go back to Goals vs Actions and start setting goals that support what you want. And remember, don’t forget to make room for those goals with actions that get you there!

Beliefs vs Thoughts

This is a little tricky – I hope I can express this the way I want. I believe there’s a difference between what we believe and what we say we believe. This is the age-old issue of hypocrisy.  I want to be clear: we are all hypocrites. None of us is consistent in our belief system all the time. Not. One. Person. So if you’re going to criticize someone for being a hypocrite, just take a long look in the mirror while you’re at it.

However, I do believe we can do better in this department. At the very least, I believe we can get a bit more honest with ourselves about our belief systems and reconcile what we say we believe with what we actually believe. Why are we so afraid of what we really believe anyway?

So what is the difference between a belief and a thought? Well in this instance, what I am referring to is the difference between a thought that we think automatically that bypasses our consciousness (belief) and the thoughts that we are conscious of and/or observe easily.

WHAT? Ok…

Have you ever wondered how someone can say they want to be healthy and yet, they make bad food choices? First of all, let’s assume this person knows what to eat to be healthier. They must, or we wouldn’t be judging this as a mismatch in this person, yes? So why don’t they make those food choices?

They make all sorts of statements reflective of their THOUGHT LIFE. They SAY they know what to eat. They SAY they want to be healthy. They SAY they want to lose weight.

But they eat two bowls of chips, down 3 margaritas and devour a large bowl queso (this feels too real right now!) in one sitting. What is going on here? These actions don’t match what they believe to be true, right?

Wrong.

This person has had thoughts based on what they think they should do. They have cognitively agreed to the fact that they make unhealthy food choices and that healthier food choices would be more beneficial. They talk about it, maybe even on social media and to their friends.

But what this person DOES is a reflection of what they ACTUALLY BELIEVE. Somewhere in their programming they believe food solves problems; I’d be willing to bet the specific belief is that food eases emotional pain-food is coping. I’ll take it a step further and say, they believe the absence of certain foods is painful. They may also believe that the physical pain felt once foods like sugar and alcohol are eliminated, is bad. No one likes to feel bad. After all, certain foods hit on the same pleasure receptors as certain drugs. There is a chemical reaction going on here and it is rooted in programmed behavior. All of this is happening unconsciously. In fact, if you were to say those things to that individual, they would more than likely deny the truth. I’ve known people in this situation who swear they actually eat healthy when they clearly do not! They have fooled themselves. Why does this happen? Beliefs are so deeply rooted and work in the background, in our operating system. The only way to bring them to the surface is to question where your own actions and beliefs don’t align.

It’s a difficult process because no one wants to believe we are this incongruent. Eating and weight loss is an easy and widely experienced example. You can apply this same concept to a lot of cognitive incongruence.

Finding a repeatable way to help myself address these ‘mismatches’ in myself is what I set out to do and to help others, I created a coaching program around it. If you are interested in addressing some of these issues for yourself, consider joining my 10-week coaching program. You’ll learn a self-coaching process that helps you identify, challenge and change your own incongruent thinking while showing you a pathway to a better way to experience your life. It’s called Light the Path. If you’re interested or have any general questions, just contact me at shannon@shannonmlee.com.