Excerpt from Servant Leader Mindset, Gratitude Chapter
Definitions around gratitude are pretty clear and basic: the act of being grateful…shocker. Being grateful, however, goes deeper and relates to having a warm and deep appreciation. I love that phrase, “A warm and deep appreciation.” It makes me think of a warm blanket that is all encompassing that completely covers me. It’s the perfect temperature that warms to the bone. Gratitude has a depth and warmth to it that moves beyond the cursory “thanks” to a more profound expression of appreciation. Psychologists provide another way to define gratitude: a positive emotional response that we’ve perceived on giving or receiving a benefit from someone. (Kennon M. Sheldon 2011)(Edmonds and McCullough, 2004.)
Unfortunately, there’s not enough of deep appreciation going on around us. I see it all the time. Leaders implement acts of gratitude to their associates in the form of recognition lunches, rewards programs and discount clubs. There’s nothing wrong with organization-wide programs like these. The problem is how it is received—it looks like a cookie cutter-one size fits all appreciation, instead of being special, or tailored to wants and needs. Too many of these “gifts” are related to getting the most bang for their buck and not focused on what employees actually want or need.
Furthermore, if the impetus for such programs is to check the gratitude box, these programs move even further away from true gratitude and run the risk of being perceived as the exact opposite of gratitude and appreciation. Should employers do away with such programs? Not necessarily. But the leaders of those organizations can get better at challenging their own beliefs around what people actually need to feel appreciated and how those same leaders can change as a result.
Warm expression of gratitude has a greater impact when you’re a leader. I believe this is true because everything that a leader says and does holds more weight. I found this out the hard way when I went from being a teacher to the elementary principal; I became the boss of my co-workers. What my more free expression of gratitude to the teachers I liked the most (who were my closest friends) told the rest of the teachers is that I did not like or care for them. And while I didn’t necessarily like everyone (neither do you!), I didn’t hate any of them and I certainly cared for them all! Initially, I had no idea the impact my words and actions had on the staff. This means that when you show gratitude, it has a powerful multiplication effect simply because the gratitude is coming (or not coming) from you…the leader.
Similarly, it’s important to note that when you think you’re expressing the right amount of gratitude, chances are that the people around you are just beginning to experience it. Carolyn Wiley of Roosevelt University conducted a study about appreciation in the workplace. (Heath 2017) This study spanned forty-six years and included surveying employees and their supervisors about their top motivations at work. In those forty-six years Carolyn found that only two motivating factors showed up every time the survey was conducted. One of them was “full appreciation of work done.” Of course, they asked supervisors if they had expressed appreciation and then asked the subordinates if they had felt appreciated. When asking supervisors, 80% reported they showed appreciation to their direct reports, but only 20% of their direct reports said they felt appreciated by their supervisors. This was not only a surprise to those who took part in the study, but a huge surprise to me. If you think you are showing appreciation and gratitude to the people around you, both at home and at work, you might be doing an okay job, but do more. Chances are, it’s just not enough.
The problem is, many leaders want to know when enough is enough. How do we know how much is enough gratitude? My question is…enough for what? If we are showing gratitude to create a reaction or awareness in another person, it’s not gratitude, it’s manipulation. What we are really doing is wearing the trappings of gratitude in order to serve our own selfish need to be validated. That kind of expression is from a needy energy, not an energy of actually showing gratitude. I show gratitude whenever I feel it, regardless if the person responds in kind or not. It’s not about a response.
Tips for growing in gratitude:
- Be specific. Move beyond manners (thank you) to deep appreciation. Name what you are grateful for and why.
- Be personal. When showing gratitude, say what it meant to you personally, what their action helped you accomplish at work.
- Be big picture. Explain what their action meant to the organization/team…or whatever. Get as large with the impact as you can without being disingenuous.
