the serene struggle

As many do, I spend time thinking about my life’s journey and the path where I find myself at any given point.  Like you, I question, doubt and wrestle with questions such as:

• Am I where I am supposed to be?
• Could I be somewhere else and find more happiness?
• Why does this path have so much conflict?
• Is there an easier way?

I’m sorry to report I have no answers.  But I have figured somethings out; or at least I think I have.

First, struggle is not proof something is wrong.

I used to judge myself harshly, calling myself a shit-stirrer or a trouble maker.  I would self-describe as one who could not sit still and keep the peace; instead I had to mix things up, “keep it interesting” I would say.  I think this is how I made sense of turmoil that at first glance, I blamed on myself.

But why is it I cannot just sit still and let things ride?  I’m pretty certain now the reason is my path.  I read a Joseph Campbell quote today and it says this:

“If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.”

Bam!  Right between the eyes it hit me.  I feel this dissonance, this conflict, this struggle…not because I like to cause trouble but because I’m on my own path.  I’m on a path uncharted and therefore full of underbrush, thistle and obstacles.  There is nothing worn or familiar here, only new, scary terrain.  And the minute it starts to feel too familiar, my subconscious realizes I’m on a more familiar path and I must redirect to my own once again.

I don’t know what it is inside of me, driving me towards this but it is a force I cannot deny.  I can hardly understand the path of least resistance and I have always been this way.  It seems unrewarding, lacking in challenge and devoid of the need for courage.  Is it safe and secure?  Of course!  But that is because it has already been charted by someone else. 

Second, struggle is necessary to chart my own path.

No more will I shy away from what needs to be said and done to keep the peace. Does this mean I’ll start conflict on purpose for the sake of conflict?  Not at all.  But all too often, we withhold the truth in an effort to not hurt others or offend and in doing so we rob those people of the friction they need to create growth.

If I’m going to keep charting my own path, one no one has walked before, I must accept conflict and struggle as a part of that choice.  A new nature path is filled with thistles and weeds, stones and roots sticking up.  It is only with time those are worn down but as the first to travel the path, it’s hell!  This struggle isn’t because I’m a trouble-maker!  It is a requirement for path-making! I like that thought.  So much more life-giving!

Finally, struggle does not mean the absence of serenity.

In fact, serenity is possible in the midst of struggle but only when we accept struggle is necessary to the journey.  And I don’t mean a whimpering resignation to this fact.  No.  I’m talking about an enthusiastic embrace!  We walk right up to that struggle, really look it in the eye – love and accept it for what it is: a formative event necessary to the creation of our path!

I can get caught up in the desire for lack of conflict thinking its absence equals peace and serenity.  I place value on that “peaceful” experience, equating it with some sort of proof of God’s presence or stamp of approval.  This is so tempting!  So tempting to believe the lack of struggle, the lack of conflict means I am A-OK with the universe.  Sure, I think we can all have these moments but they are fleeting.  More common are the everyday moments of dissonance often misinterpreted as something negative when in reality they are the most amazing gift, helping us to blaze our own trail!

Is it scary?  Hell yes.  This is why courage is required.  We look fear in the face and press on anyway, finding serenity as we embrace the struggle.