In 2002 I went through something really tough, the loss of a parent. My dad was only 57 years old and we knew he was sick for 8 short months before he died of cancer one day before my 30th birthday. Now, this is not a sad story of loss…it only starts there so hang with me.
Once the dust settled from all that occurs around the painful loss of a loved one, especially a parent, I was able to retrieve a few of his belongings as keepsakes.
I took with me that day and attaché case, a photo of my dad in a plastic frame and an old desk clock.
Even though he was successful at his job, he didn’t tend to gather a bunch of possessions. So these few items became very special to me. They were in essence, all I had left of him. For years, these items remained in a storage box out of sight and I went on with my life. I guess you could even say I was unaware of their existence most of the time, meaning, I wasn’t thinking about them intentionally. Until now.
I was reflecting on these items recently and all the things I learned from my dad in those 30 short years of knowing him. I coupled that with my own personal and professional development since his death and strangely enough, found some lessons in those three items. My dad wasn’t a perfect parent and some of the things I learned from him weren’t positive. Now that I’m a parent myself, I see he was probably doing the best he could at any given moment…just like me…and made mistakes…just like me. But that doesn’t cloud my fond memories of him or the sentiment I feel when I think about the attaché case, photo and clock.
The attaché case reminds me of all the baggage I carry. Some of that baggage my dad gave me! My baggage comes from other sources too. Society, family, friends, school, among others. But what I’ve learned since losing my dad, is this baggage is only an influence on my present situation. It is not a determinant – unless I choose to let it be. Realizing that what I do with the things I carry with me is my responsibility, was a very powerful insight. No longer feeling powerless or a victim of my past, I can choose to frame my life in ways that create a more peaceful, joyful and loving present. This doesn’t mean I don’t look back and allow the past to inform me; or that I ignore it and pretend their aren’t both fond and scary memories. But it does mean that I am no longer controlled by them. I can choose something different. If I want.
This photo is the last photo of my dad that I have before he started to really look sick. He was definitely dying in this photo, but still looked healthy on the outside. This reminds me of the fact that sometimes my inward life says one thing and the way I’m seen on the outside is another. While I know I can’t control how others view me, I can control how I show up. And I believe knowing how others view me can help inform my own personal growth. It’s painful to look at these things but the payoff is amazing. I strive now to align my inner life with my truest values which in turn changes how I show up on the outside; to live authentically towards myself and others. I don’t always achieve this ideal but it is a practice I employ every day.
And the clock. Well, the clock represents time – time in increments of compassion. I realize that my inner work is a process that takes place on a sliding continuum of successes and failures. And during this inward growth, I can be patient with myself; offer myself compassion and non-judgement on the journey. Taking time to evaluate where I am in my own personal development and to be honest about it with myself has helped me chart a path that has me full of wonder, curiosity and excitement. The neat byproduct of this is I tend to offer more compassion and non-judgement to others now too.
What objects or memories in your life can you take notice of and glean a little lesson today? Let me know in the comments!
